It takes 21 days to make a habit

I keep seeing the Vector commercials everywhere on YouTube, and I keep hearing that line, "it takes 21 days to make a habit." Which is kind of nice because I keep beating myself up over simple slip ups. I need to keep reminding myself that change isn't going to happen over night, it takes time and commitment.

Which is the reason I should be really happy about a small victory I had recently. I had an anxiety attack at work a few days back. Which at first was extremely upsetting, and felt to me like a huge catastrophic setback. I hadn't had a full scale attack in months, and I thought I was "better." I had to take a step back and remind myself that this is a life-long illness. It's not a flu that you wait out, it's something that's always going to be a part of me. So I realized that the attack itself sucked for sure, but I could change how I handled it. Never have I had an attack at work before, in the past I've always been able to hold it off until I got home, or at least in the car. But this one happened in the middle of a shift. I had amazing co-workers who helped get me home. Home afterwards is where I usually break down after. I had a massive junk food binge in between all of the crying and hyperventilating and so on. Which completely sucked, and brought on another anxiety attack about my lack of control over my body. When all of that was done I slept for about 12 hours straight. And the next day I went back to work. Which for me is amazing. It might sound small to any of you reading this, but any other time I've had an anxiety or panic attack related to work or school I just up and quit or drop out. But I went back.

The New Old Me

It's been so long since I've written. I had to make a new blog since the meds I take changed the way I write so much that to me it looks like a completely different person. I liked my old style of writing a lot more. It reflected how I felt inside, and it seemed more poetic. This is more the thoughts, the words, the way that you form the sentences inside your head. My old blog was just my raw feelings. But this is how I used to write before anxiety took over my life. I don't know exactly what kind of blog this is going to be, but I need an outlet. Things have felt out of control lately, and I'm desperately trying to get that control back.

First off, I'd like to say that I don't have an eating disorder, I have an anxiety disorder. Controlling my food is an outlet. It's the best way that I've found to feel like I have control over my life. I know that hitting my goal weight won't magically make my anxiety disappear. But the journey to my goal weight, and hopefully one day maintaining my goal weight is a way to manage the anxiety. It keeps it in check. And blogging is like seeing a therapist. After all I'm much more honest on here than I ever would be in some shrink's office.